It seems to me hard to believe (and yet at the same time really not that hard at all) that I’ve been playing around at this blogging thing for more than a decade now. And over that time I’ve found myself in this same situation probably a dozen times or more. The “do I really want to do this anymore?” situation. But I gotta say it feels different this time. In the past, when I’ve contemplated walking away, there was always a piece of me that rebelled. A piece of me that just couldn’t let go. Even when I was 90% sure it was the right thing to do. But this time…I don’t know. I think that maybe I’d really and truly be okay with the decision to just give this up. I’m going to give it a few weeks…try writing here again…try writing in the way I would feel more comfortable writing if I do decide to stick it out. And see what happens. If I still feel this way in a few weeks, I think I can say goodbye to my blogging days with a true feeling of peace.
What do I mean by “the way I would feel more comfortable writing”? I’d be quite the happy, not-so-little, camper if I knew how to answer that one. It has to do with just being me. I do not lead an exciting life. I have no special talents. I am an anxiety-ridden mess who much of the time is afraid to speak even to the people I love most. None of these things make me unworthy as a human being. But each of those things does give me pause when it comes to taking up space on the internet. I have always blogged for myself. And while I’ve made the best friends through blogging and obviously wouldn’t change that for the world, to this day I sometimes find the idea that other people can read what I write a little unsettling.
But I love life. And I get excited about so many things. Too many things. I have no one thing to write about. I’ll never be a book blogger, or a mommy blogger, or a homeschool blogger, or a garden blogger, or a crafty blogger…. I like to record my life, as unexciting as it may be to the outside world. But I could record it in my pen and paper journals or I could record it here changing the setting to private–and I really think I could be happy with either of those options. But first, I’m going to give this one last shot. Maybe in an effort to tease out whether I could really walk away without having any regrets.